In TRP workshops we often hear this question, “What about the need to vent?” It’s a good question. Let’s explore that “need to vent” with an analogy of a three-story building with a basement.

The basement is where we store things from the past. This is analogous to our attitudes and emotions. All of us have a basement; a place where we have bottled up feelings and held onto past grievances. Occasionally we’ll surprise ourselves when we discover the things we’ve kept that we didn’t even know we still had. Or perhaps there was a situation that was just never resolved and the memory has been tucked away.

On the first floor, we’re not so focused on the past, nor are we suppressing our feelings. We are more in the moment, often reacting to the tension around us. Pressures like deadlines, dealing with changes, or simply “keeping up” can result in a “need to vent” our frustrations. If we vent with just anyone willing to listen, there can be consequences. Not only does this not solve the problem, it can negatively influence others. This is the place where gossip and rumors get started creating more unwanted circumstances.

As we ascend the stairs to the second floor, awareness leads to more choices. On this floor we accept that forces outside of our control create challenges that we must face. More often than not, we manage these forces. For example, seeing how a process is inefficient and rather than remaining frustrated by it, we offer solutions that can improve the process. There are more solutions and our personal effectiveness grows rapidly here.

Ascending even higher to the third floor opens up infinite possibilities. It is like the rooftop where there are vistas to see, and open air to experience. It is on this floor where we move from being “bothered” by situations, pressures, and other people, to being keenly aware of how we respond to life situations. The “need to vent” becomes an opportunity to communicate and to think creatively. Creativity and resourcefulness abound on this floor.

While none of us “live” on any floor, we can learn to identify where we spend most of our time, and in which situations. For example, with certain people or in challenging situations, our default might be first floor. Learning how to climb the stairs to the higher floors where we gain fresh perspective, is a skill that can be developed. Once we’ve learned to access those higher floors, we can choose to descend to the lower floors to meet others where they are. We can help others learn constructive ways to use their energy, rather than the old ways of “blowing off steam.” By developing our personal ability to climb the stairs we can stay positive, productive, and effective – no matter what!

Here are three tips that can help when faced with that “need to vent.” For the quick version, you can share this two-minute YouTube video with the three tips.

1. When stuck in emotional tension ask yourself, what is this really about? If you can identify what’s going on under the surface, that’s a key insight. Sometimes we feel like we’re about to erupt without being quite sure why. Having a sense of what’s on our mind takes us to the next step. Rather than “venting,” try replacing that word with “consulting.” Ask someone you trust if you can consult with them and share what’s on your mind. Flipping the approach from vent to consult can shift our demeanor.

2. Do something physical. Get out and work in the yard or exercise. Let your brain work and see if that brings in clarity. If “venting” is still what you think needs to be done, be selective about who you do it with. Blowing off steam with the first person who is willing to listen is never a good idea.

3. Don’t go there. Spend quiet time with your thoughts every day. Be mentally prepared for the day’s challenges. Get a good night’s rest and approach the day with a fresh perspective.

The newly revised competencies of a TRP include five key qualities. Each of them describes important aspects of our highest ethical character. This month we’ll explore the quality of Inclusive. You can see all five qualities here.

What we see with our eyes is quickly interpreted by our brains as “what is different” about each of us. We perceive differences and create biases without even knowing it, and then these perceived differences become our reality. He is tall. She is young. He is Black. She is Asian. She is disabled… We take information in so quickly that if we believe the surface inputs that our five sense perceive, we end up reacting to the world around us instead of responding to it. We have to go beyond and use our capacity for empathy.

To listen with empathy is to consider more than what others say. It is to consider who they are at their core, and what they yearn for in their hearts. Even the attempt to listen with empathy can be challenging when we discover how much of what we think we know and understand about someone else may simply not be true. Challenging though it may seem at times, the desire to connect with one another at deeper levels can drive us to discover our mutual gifts and celebrate not just our differences, but cherish how interconnected we all are. When we can do this well, what kind of world will we create?

In a recent TRP training we discovered a brilliant essay written by a young teen for a Rotary assignment. The author, Erin, has a disability that has caused her to re-think how other perceive her, and how she perceives others. You’ll enjoy this short essay and the wisdom Erin carries as she reflects on, “Is it the truth?” “Is it fair to all concerned?” “Will it build goodwill and better friendships?” and “Is it beneficial to all?” Erin’s essay on Parent2Parent.

“There’s No Place Like the Death Star,” by JD Hancock

The following true story was shared by Monique, during the TRP training she attended a few weeks ago.

I have three teenage boys. They are good boys. All of them are unique and have completely different interests from one another. They typically get along very well. However, they had been bickering with each other for several days. About everything. It was not characteristic of them and I was not happy with it.

One afternoon I decided enough was enough. I called them together for a meeting. I had to holler to get their attention and I said “Young men, we are going to begin having peace talks.”

Mom, what?

We sat down in the living room and I explained to them that today was the first day of our peace talks. I shared that the values of love and cooperation are guiding principles in our family and that given the current climate, talks were necessary to re-establish our focus on the principles. I moved so fast they didn’t have time to react. It was all they could do to swallow what I was feeding them. I said that I would lead the first session.

I began with a question. What does peace mean to you? Each boy had to answer. The others were not allowed to interrupt or to comment unless the comment was complementary to what his brother was sharing. There would be no picking, no arguing. Their answers were as diverse and as thoughtful as they are. I was amazed at how quickly the hour long peace talk went. I ended the session by explaining what was to follow. That for the subsequent three days, each of them would lead the talk for his day.

My youngest volunteered to go first. He is the artist of the family and for his talk he had pulled a TED Talk from the internet that he had us watch and discuss our ideas. It was delightful. I saw his enthusiasm and natural joy emerge as he led his family into a remarkably enlightening conversation. The older boys were no exception to the quality when they lead their talks. My oldest has us talk directly about how we treat each other and what is and is not, acceptable treatment for family. My middle son took us on a “nature walk” where we had to look and listen to the sight and sound of peace in the natural world.

I learned some valuable lessons from the peace talks. Warring siblings quickly created much more than just harmony when given the chance. They needed a way to express their creativity and their passions. With just a little input from their mom, their hearts and minds were wide open. I also learned more about their talents and their challenges. What they came up with told me more about them than I can typically see in our day to day interactions. Those observations helped uncover what each of my sons are good at and where each of him are vulnerable. I can use that insight as I coach them into being the mature young men they are becoming.

~Monique

Could the peace talks apply in your home? In your office? Have fun!